The Trouble with Love
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: Jac / Jonny fic (I really need to expand my horizons :D ). Erm no idea how to summarise.
1. Chapter 1

**This has been on my computer for ages - but I've spent absolutely forever debating on a title (which I've moaned about way too much on Twitter!) but I finally settled on The Trouble with Love :D This does muck up what has happened in actual Holby but when I wrote it, it didn't so so quite so much :D. Hopefully it's ok. **

The woman was sitting on a park bench, long red hair flowing down her spine and spilling over on to the wood. He started a little at the sight of her, feeling his heart rate increase, as it did whenever he saw a woman who reminded him of Jac. It had been so many months since he'd seen her, since the day she'd disappeared from Holby without a word to anyone. He had tried to find her but never to any avail and it destroyed him a little, working on Darwin without her presence. He'd tried to pretend that she meant nothing to him, so much so that he'd almost begun to believe it was true and then she was gone and he realised just how much of a lie it had been.

There was something different about this woman though, something familiar or at least more so than with the others and he found himself stepping that little bit closer to her. He knew it was stupid, that it would only end in the crushing disappointment of finding out that yet again it wasn't her but he couldn't stop himself. One day he hoped that it would be her, and that he'd find her again.

He had played the moment over in his mind so many times. What he would do if he saw her again, the words he would say and the response he hoped she'd give. He knew they were only fantasies and that his mind had altered Jac in order to give him the outcome he desired but there was hope. He had hope that it could happen as long as he tried to keep hold of the dreams in his head.

As he stepped closer, he knew that his heart was racing out of control and he could feel sweat beading. The anticipation was building and he wished he could control it. If it was her, he didn't want to be a mess. He needed to prove himself to her and to show her what she was missing and he wouldn't have been able to do that if he was a wreck.

The woman he noticed was entrenched in a large heavy coat and he felt his heart, while still racing, sink a little. It wasn't the sort of thing Jac would wear. In his fantasies, in the event of meeting her like this, he expected to see her dressed in the coat she had loved wearing so much. The one that had become so familiar to him, he would have been able to pick it out in a crowd of people with ease – even if she wasn't the one wearing it.

He came to a stop by the bench and with an aching heart he prepared himself for the disappointment of finding yet another woman masquerading as the one he loved. The woman obviously sensed the presence of another, and slowly she turned her head to look at him.

The face that looked at him was softer than he remembered. It was perhaps his mind projecting it on to this face, the fantasy face that his mind had formulated. He watched as panic flickered across the face.

"Jac?" He asked, not quite trusting himself not to projecting her face on to a stranger's. The woman blinked and closed her eyes for a second as if weighing up her options. Before she opened them and looked up in to his face.

"Jonny" She whispered in response, her voice quiet and unsure. There was something so different about her and he couldn't put his finger on it.

"I can't believe you're back" he breathed, trying to control himself. It seemed unreal that she was actually here and he wondered why after all of this time she had turned up again in Holby. She frowned a little.

"I came back for Sacha" she answered, swallowing hard. It had been one of the hardest decisions, to come back here but Sacha meant so much to her that she'd known she had to be here for him. Jonny blinked, a little saddened that it wasn't for him but it was understandable. He had almost forgotten that it was Rachael's funeral tomorrow.

"oh" he responded, looking for a second down at his feet before looking back up at her face. Again trying to work out what had changed about her but his mind just wouldn't concentrate on anything other than the fact that Jac – his Jac – was here in front of him.

"I have to go" She said, needing to get away from him. It was hard seeing him again. She'd spent months trying to forget about him, despite her constant reminder of his existence. She pushed herself heavily of the bench, feeling stiff from having sat for so long. Without thinking, she pressed her hands in to the small of her back and stretched it as much as her heavily pregnant form would allow. Jonny felt his eyes fall to her stomach, felt his heart drop in his chest.

"You're pregnant"


	2. Chapter 2

**I'll probably end up uploading this one quite quickly - as I had forgotten just how much I already had written (though I need to rewrite some of the later bits :D ). Hopefully this is ok and thank you for reading / any comments :D **

She nodded, wishing that he hadn't noticed although she knew the likelihood of that was slim. Her rounded stomach was no longer disguisable as it had been when she had slipped away from Holby, and from him.

"Congratulations" He stuttered the word, feeling at a loss. Part of him had wondered whether she would have moved on from him, and found someone new but he'd always pushed that thought away. He wanted her to be happy but he always wanted her to miss him. "I hope you are both very happy" his words were bitter and she blinked.

"Both of us?" was her response and she raised a quizzical eyebrow as she watched him start to turn away from her. Part of her wanted to let him go but the other part was unsure "You mean me and the baby" she added.

"No, you and the father" He stopped turning away from her and she blinked rapidly as if trying to process what he had said and then her mind twigged, he thought there was another man on the scene.

"You, he, I, no, there's" she wasn't sure how to respond to him. She could play pretend that there was a father on the scene, that she had a man who loved her and was waiting for her to return. She knew that would be the easier option, after all Jonny was partly the reason she had disappeared. But then she reasoned was it fair to lie to him when he was, at least partly, responsible for the bump she carried with her.

"Spit it out Jac" He was sounding hurt and bitter. And it saddened her that he obviously thought she could move on and shack up with another man so quickly. "Or are you embarrassed?" he added, wondering if perhaps it had been another one of her mistakes; the nights when she ended up in a man's bed despite being in a relationship or because she simply needed it in that moment.

"Do you want to know how pregnant I am?" She tilted her head a little as she asked, resting a hand on the rounded mound of her stomach. A gesture he felt was rubbing it in his face, though she saw it differently.

"I don't see why that matters" he answered and she gave him a small sad smile as she rubbed at the spot where the baby had just kicked her.

"I'm due January 1st" She told him, hoping that perhaps his mind would be capable of the mental arithmetic although in his current state she was doubtful.

"So you're what 37 weeks?" He questioned, trying desperately to work out exactly when 37 weeks ago was. It meant that she had definitely been pregnant when she'd disappeared and he tried to think if there had been any signs that he'd missed. Perhaps she'd been wearing things a little less tight fitting but that seemed to be it. Other than, he paused.

"Yes" she answered with a smile. She and her baby had made it to term and she was proud of that fact. She knew she had been at a higher risk of preterm labour and with everything else that was going on, it seemed like a blessing that they had made it this far together. Jonny was frowning now, his mind had settled on something. Mo. He wasn't sure how he'd forgotten but in those weeks leading up to Jac's disappearance Mo had been acting differently. Her attitude to the consultant had changed and now that made sense to him.

"Mo knew didn't she" It wasn't really a question more of a statement and Jac sighed a little. She didn't really want to betray Mo, she had been good to her in those weeks after she'd found out about the baby, but there were already so many lies and half-truths.

"mmm" Jac murmured. It was a strange thing the fact that she'd come to miss Mo. The registrar had come to help her a lot and she'd come to rely on her a bit for advice and support; even if she had been so persistent in her insistence that Jonny deserved to know.

"I can't believe she never told me" he sounded annoyed, and Jac did feel a little bit guilty. She didn't want Jonny to be annoyed with his best friend – particularly given it would be her fault. Mo hadn't known that Jac was leaving and it surprised her that even after her disappearance, her secret had been kept.

"I asked her not too" Jac answered; and she watched as Jonny's face changed. His mind was racing again and Jac thought he was close to working things out, to realising. She closed her eyes and stretched out her back again. As much as she loved her bump, it was starting to get more than a little uncomfortable.

"April" he said and she gave him a small smile and a nod. "So soon after us" he muttered under his breath and she felt a little bit hurt that he didn't work it out, that he presumed that there had been another. She knew she had been unfaithful to him, with Sean, but she'd also hoped he'd forgiven her and that perhaps he had understood the reasons why that had happened.

"no" she whispered, and he blinked. His head spinning as he thought back to April. It was such a strange month; so many emotions and a ward which changed so much in the space of a few days. The loss of a young colleague, a friend.

"That night, we" he paused not sure what to say. He had called it a mistake, the night they had come together as a result of shared grief and a need for comfort.

"That night we made our baby" she completed the sentence for him and he felt the world suddenly shift on its axis.


	3. Chapter 3

**Another part of this :) I will eventually update my other fics too; but I kind of like to stay 2 parts ahead of myself (which is easier with this one) but I will get there eventually. Hopefully this is ok :) and thank you to any one reading / reviewing. **

"Did Mo know?" He asked finally, trying to process the fact that this bulge was his, that in a matter of weeks he would be a father – and that potentially he would never have found out about this. Jac looked away from him, and out towards the playground where children were happily playing.

"She knew" Jac confirmed unable to meet Jonny's gaze. She didn't want to get Mo in trouble, really she didn't but now that the truth was on her tongue, it seemed so wrong to lie; and this was Jonny – her Jonny – and she had lied to him far too much.

"I'm going to kill her" He sounded angry and hurt and Jac turned back to him. She could understand his feelings and she wished she could take away the hurt. She knew she'd put Mo in an awful position but so much of her had thought that as soon as she left things would be fixed and it wouldn't matter anymore. But then she'd heard about Rachael, and she'd had to return – for Sacha; although stupidly she had hoped to avoid seeing Jonny and indeed Mo.

"She only did what I asked Jonny" Jac spoke quietly and she wished that this hadn't happened like this. It shouldn't have done but she had been so scared, of what would happen that she'd just slipped away; trying to find a place of safety; though she hadn't succeeded. Everywhere felt empty save for her baby.

"But she's my best friend" He answered sounding like a little boy and Jac wanted to smile.

"She's a good person" it was a simple statement and Jonny blinked, surprised to hear a positive assessment of someone's character slip from Jac's lips. It seemed so at odds with the way she had talked of Mo before. Way back he had wanted them to get on, to be friends. His girlfriend and his best friend. But things had been so different then. Now it felt strange, she was his ex and evidently the mother of his unborn child and his best friend had been lying to him on her behalf.

"A good liar" But some things were making sense to him now; the questions that Mo had asked him in the days following Jac's disappearance. With the extra knowledge he now possessed he could see where she was coming from but at the time it had simply left him confused.

"Jonny" Jac lowered her voice, it was more of a warning tone and Jonny recognised it as the voice that he was more familiar with. Pregnancy had obviously softened her for the most part but the Jac he knew was still there just beneath the surface. She shivered a little despite her heavy coat, and Jonny became aware of the fact that the temperature had dropped.

"I think we need to talk properly" Jonny spoke quietly. He needed to get his head around his and he needed to understand why she hadn't told him and why they were now in this situation.

"I suppose we do" she concluded with a nod of her head. She was getting tired and standing here talking in the park was doing absolutely nothing for her, and her aching spine. She shifted positions a little but she knew it was futile.

"Come back to mine" he twisted his lips a little, "Well Mo's. I'm staying with her" it was strange staying with Mo but she'd been insisted that he stay her, especially after the little incident where he'd fractured his hand in a fit of rage and frustration after Jac's disappearing act.

"I'm not sure" She wasn't sure she was ready to do this now, but now that Jonny knew a part of her thought it would be good to see Mo. She owed her an explanation and an apology. It seemed strange that she was even considering an apology; it was something she never would have done without coercion before but her baby was slowly changing her.

"Please" It was a soft plea and she felt it tug a little at her heart so she nodded. Silently cursing her baby for playing with her feelings and emotions; but knowing that – given this was Jonny – she probably would have given in anyway; or had to really force herself not to. "Do you have your car or am I driving us both?"

"I walked here" She replied, not entirely looking forward to being stuck in the car with him but equally relieved at the idea that she would at least be able to sit down. Jonny nodded and turned in the direction of the park entrance and the place where he had parked his car.

Jac followed him at a much slower pace trying to control her waddle because she didn't want Jonny to see her moving like that, something which she knew was stupid. After walking a little way, he noticed that she was a ways behind him and he slowed his pace to match hers.

"Baby's slowing you down a bit" he said with a small smile and she gave him a small smile as she thought about it. It was true that the baby had slowed her down, but that wasn't necessarily such a bad thing.

"It's worth it though" She answered. For so long her career had been everything to her and yet now she had something so much more important and despite having to make some changes it was worth it. She just wished she had certainty. For so long she'd had such a level of control that the uncertainty she faced now left her terrified. A slight sob escaped her lips and she tried to force back the tears, she didn't want to think of it now.

"You ok?" he asked, a little concerned at the split second of emotion she showed. He wasn't used to seeing Jac's emotion that even that brief glimpse caught him by surprise.

"Just thinking" She responded, hoping he'd accept that. He nodded and they walked again in silence. Jonny wondered, if even with the addition of a baby and extra hormones, if she'd be able to open up to him or if he'd be left in the dark still. He hoped she'd talk to him properly. Stopping next to his car, he opened the passenger door for her and she got in carefully and smiled at him gratefully.

Minutes later, and Jonny was pulling away from the park and driving in the direction of Mo's – and in some ways his – home. Still they didn't really talk. Jac had her eyes closed and her head rested against the cool glass of the window while Jonny tried to concentrate on the road. It was an obstacle course of speed bumps – which no matter how slow or fast you took them made the entire car jump and feel like it was going to flip – and pot holes – which felt like craters and seemed to have increased in size and depth every time he drove along this road. He found himself humming and she opened her eyes and smiled. She may have rolled her eyes when he'd sung in the past but she'd always enjoyed hearing his beautiful voice. A part of her could imagine hearing him singing lullabies to the baby, in those beautiful tones he had and it made her ache a little to think of it. It was an image that had haunted her dreams; the idea of depriving her baby of having a father and the idea of depriving herself of seeing them together; of the potential family.

She closed her eyes again and grimaced as he hit a particularly nasty pothole and then a speed bump in quick succession.

"Pull over" her voice was desperate and pleading and she placed a hand to her stomach as she tried to force herself to breath slowly and steadily.

"We're nearly there" he argued, not taking his eyes from the road. She swallowed hard and grimaced.

"Pull over now" the desperation in her tone startled him a little and he turned to look at her. Her face was pale and she held a hand to her mouth. He pulled the car over to the side of the road as quickly as he could as she freed her seatbelt and flung the door open almost before the car had even come to a halt. He watched helpless as she twisted her body out of the car, retching.

Awkwardly he reached over to her and pulled her hair away from her face and rubbed at her back. He could feel the tension in her body as he did so. When she was done, she heaved herself back in to the car. He could see the shame and embarrassment in her eyes although she avoided looking directly at him.

"You ok?" he asked quietly, taking in her still pale clammy face. Jac nodded and rested her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. "I'll drive slow" he added and she nodded again, murmuring slightly.


	4. Chapter 4

**I feel like I've pretty much spam updated today - but this is definitely that last thing I am posting for tonight. Hopefully this part is ok - and thank you to any one reading this / reviewing :)**

Jonny didn't think he'd ever driven so slow before in his life for fear of causing Jac to become sick again. He knew from the occasional glances in her direction that she wasn't feeling all that well but they made it back to his without any further incidents. Once inside, he gently guided her towards Mo's settee where he made sure she was seated before disappearing off to make the two of them a drink. He felt like he needed something strong to steady his nerves, but he settled for less because Jac wasn't able to drink so he felt he shouldn't either. He was also grateful that Mo was working and therefore wouldn't be home for a few hours. He knew he'd be having words with her, but he needed to talk to Jac properly first.

Returning to Jac, he settled himself in the overstuffed chair that he had claimed as his. She was still looking withdrawn and quiet and he wished there was something he could say; but he worried that any words he used would be wrong and would push her even further away. He'd never even considered – and why would he have – the possibility the he would find her pregnant, or with a child, so he had never factored that in to his fantasies and now he was at a loss for how to proceed.

She had closed her eyes again, and he wondered what was going through her head. So much about her seemed to have changed, the softness that she now displayed so openly and yet so much was still the same. She still seemed so closed off in many ways; the two aspects of herself at odds with each other. He was sure the softness had always been there, but that she'd pushed it aside and instead adopted the frosty façade in order to keep people at bay.

It wasn't that he wanted to change her. He loved Jac, as she was but he wished that she'd give him more than glimpses of the woman she was beneath the façade. He had wanted her to be able to be open with him and in return he would have done the same. He had wanted a mutual relationship and for a time it had seemed like it was going to happen.

And then she'd had those mysterious pains – period pains she'd told him, and then she'd had food poisoning and then they'd had that argument outside of the theatre. He'd tried to block it from his mind, the way their relationship had shattered so quickly having seemed to so good.

And then his words came back to him. The things he had said in response to the angry words she had shouted at him. The words that had led to her hand connecting with his face. Just one moment that was enough to break them. Save for that moment things, right now, could have been so very different.

She had pulled off her coat while he was making the drinks. He'd only just noticed and he now saw the rounded mound of her abdomen more clearly beneath her top she was wearing. Inside there, his baby was growing. His baby who he had once claimed had an 'evens chance of being the antichrist' simply because it was a product of her womb. A womb now stretched with the child. He wondered if she had considered those words, if they have contributed to her not telling him, about the child. Hadn't he also said 'who in their right mind would want to have a baby with you?' It was no wonder she hadn't felt able to tell him.

"Where's the bathroom?" her voice dragged him from his daydream and moved his eyes from her bump up to her face; her skin had paled further and he stood slowly.

"Through here" he said, indicating the direction and watching as she heaved herself from the chair and moved as quickly as she could in the direction he had pointed. He followed a few steps behind her and found her huddled awkwardly over the toilet bowl, her bump rather getting in the way. He knelt down behind her and gently held her hair as she heaved over the bowl, before she collapsed back against him. Her body shaking a little.

"I'm sorry" She whispered quietly. He could tell just from her voice that she was embarrassed and he held her against him, wishing this was in different circumstances. She had become aware of him and her body tensed. If he had known, if things had been different he could have supported her.

"You don't have to apologise Jac" he whispered and he felt his hand slip down on to her stomach, feeling the stretched skin. She gasped a little at his touch even through the material of her sweater it felt alien but she didn't push him away nor did he pull his hand away, when he realised what he was doing.

"It's been a difficult few days" She said softly. In reality it had been a difficult few months but he didn't need to know that, not yet at least. Her stomach was still churning and she felt so very tired in that moment. He felt his heart in his mouth at how exhausted she sounded. A part of him felt guilty, if he hadn't approached her he wouldn't have added to the difficulties she faced; if she'd wanted to see him she would have sought him out although she'd have found his flat empty. But she'd have known to go to the hospital if need be. But with a grim realisation he knew that she had, had no intention of finding him and telling him of their child. But equally if he'd have left her sat there, would she have been wherever she was staying – probably some hotel – huddled against the toilet in this state all on her own save for the child in her womb. She yawned.

"Come with me" he spoke quietly and gently shifted himself from kneeling to standing. He pulled her up with him, and felt the way her body swayed a little. As he held her upright, he realised that other than the large rounded abdomen, she was as slim as she'd always been. There was something quite fragile about such a small woman with such a large protrusion.

"I'm not up to much" she whispered, feeling the way her body leant in to him for support. If she'd have been in her tiny flat, or in the room she'd booked for the time she was back here, she'd probably have spent the rest of the night huddled in the bathroom, sleeping there because her strength was sapped. She knew that a good sleep would help but she hadn't had one of those in months. Her mind wouldn't switch off for long enough, instead her dreams were haunted and left her feeling worse than when she'd fallen asleep.

"I'm not expecting much" He responded slowly guiding her from the room aware of the way he was supporting her and how she allowed him to do so. He wasn't sure she'd ever been that way with him before, and while he'd always wanted to be strong for her, to prove himself, this right now wasn't what he wanted. It worried him, seeing her like this. If it wasn't for the baby, he'd have thought she wasn't taking care of herself – but he knew that she would just for the sake of the child but still he was worried for her and he wished he had been there with her all these months – to look after them both.

She blinked a little as she realised he'd guided her in to what appeared to be his bedroom, she froze. The last she'd been in his bedroom, they'd made the little miracle in her womb and even though that was a different room to this, the idea still flitted in to her mind.

"I don't"

"You need to rest Jac" he interrupted her before she could even finish her sentence, instead he was moving her body again and she didn't have the strength to fight against him. She was just so tired. She watched as he pushed back the duvet and then helped her down on to the bed. She slowly pulled her sweater over her head which in turn caused her t-shirt to ride up revealing the skin of the abdomen stretched taut and the stretch marks that weaved their way across it. She saw his eyes studying it and she felt self-conscious, tugging the t-shirt back down over herself. So few people had seen her naked bump. She shifted a little and brought her legs up on to the bed and she felt him pull the duvet over her body, it was such a caring gesture that it brought tears to her eyes. He tucked her in a little and gave her a small smile.

"Sleep now ok? We'll talk later" with that he walked away from the room and she closed her eyes, trying to get control of her emotions. It felt so strange, someone trying to take care of her, when she'd been struggling to do so for so many months; when so few people had done so in her lifetime. Wrapping her arms around her belly, she felt darkness wash over her and sleep take over.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hopefully this part is ok - :) and thank you to anyone reading / reviewing**

Jonny sat in the overstuffed chair, unable to settle himself. Instead he felt on edge, waiting for any slight noises coming from his bedroom, and the still sleeping Jac. She had been out like a light for hours, and Jonny knew that Mo would be back any minute now and he was hoping that her arrival wouldn't cause Jac to wake – or at least not until Jonny had, had a chat with his friend. He'd slipped back in to his room a few times, just to check out her and it had destroyed him a little each time to see how vulnerable she looked lying there. She should have been sleeping in his bed each night. He heard the door click open and he looked up to see Mo enter, throwing down her bag and discarding her coat. She looked stressed.

"Is there something you've neglected to tell me?" Jonny asked her, watching as she slipped in to the kitchen to make herself a drink. He was sure he heard Mo paused a little before carrying on as she took in the question he asked but she didn't respond to him. Minutes later she returned back in to the room, carrying a steaming mug for herself and she looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"About what?" She asked, settling herself down, feeling a little bemused which on top of her already high stress levels was not going to be a good combination. Jonny rolled his eyes a little and fixed her with what he hoped was a firm glance.

"Something that I deserved to know about, something potentially – no definitely – life changing" he responded and she blinked, he most definitely wasn't helping and she hated him being obtuse. She'd rather he just spat it out rather than beating about the bush, particularly after the day she'd had.

"I don't have a clue what you are going on about" She told him, hoping that the tone she used would let him know that she was not in the mood for this.

"I honestly can't believe you'd keep something like this from me" Jonny sounded hurt and Mo just couldn't work out why. She couldn't think of anything she'd kept from him recently, other than Jac, she was completely honest with him and even the Jac thing wasn't an actual lie. He'd never really asked her outright, so she'd had no reason to lie.

"You're being ridiculous Jonny" Mo's voice was getting louder and Jonny looked a little hesitantly towards his bedroom door, hoping that Mo wouldn't get any louder and wake the still sleeping Jac.

"Ridiculous?!" Jonny exclaimed, though keeping his voice low.

"Yes ridiculous Jonny" She answered, her voice rising "You're talking in riddles and making absolutely no sense, I've had an absolutely crap day and now I have to put up with you and this ridiculousness and I am just not in the mood" she knew she shouldn't take her day out on him really, but he was here and in this moment he was pressing her and she couldn't help it.

"Think back Mo, anything of slight importance that you think that maybe should have been informed of?" He asked, not quite taking notice of the warning note in her voice though aware of the volume to which her voice was rising. Mo frowned.

"I don't" She wished she could work out what was going on but her head was a mess right. She'd been trying to run a ward where it seemed that pretty much everyone was off with something, patients who were determined to develop the most bizarre of complications and a feeling of absolute dread.

"Or maybe you don't consider the fact I'm going to be a dad important?" He questioned and Mo's eyebrows shot up. She couldn't quite comprehend how he would have found out. Even she didn't know where Jac had gone too and she couldn't imagine Jac would get in contact with him, unless something had happened and Mo didn't want to consider that prospect. She only had the vaguest idea of why Jac had disappeared, their conversations in the days preceding hadn't seem to indicate anything was amiss or the action she was planning to take but looking back she thought that maybe she could identify little signs.

"I promised her Jonny" Mo answered, not even thinking to question how he'd come to know. That would come later for now, she had to explain herself, to try to make him understand. So much of her had hoped this day would never come but then that scenario meant that he would never know his child. She could feel the starts of a migraine building behind her eyes.

"And what about me Mo? This is my child we're talking about" he responded, trying to keep his voice level but he could feel the volume increasing slightly. Mo frowned, she knew he had a point, but Jac had her reasons too and it was hard to be trapped between the two.

"Don't you think I wanted to tell you? That I tried to convince her that you deserved to know?!" Mo was leaning forward in her seat, and Jonny could see the frustration in her eyes as she tried to grapple with the dilemma she had found herself in. Her voice was loud now and he wished he could tell her to quiet down but he was sure that would cause her to spark off at him. He knew Mo too well.

"I could have done something Mo" He told her, thinking of it, of the things he had missed. The first scan, the first moment his child had kicked. These moments had been stolen from him.

"She was scared Jonny" Mo's voice was lower and she closed her eyes for a second and thought back, all those months ago. There was so much even she didn't know, just that Jac was worried about how Jonny would react; but that had never seemed like enough of a reason to Mo for Jac to simply disappear without a trace.

"Of what?" He knew that before he hadn't been ready, maybe he wouldn't have been ready earlier this year either but if he had known at least he would have been able to prepare himself. He would have had time to ready himself and to get used to the idea that he was going to be a father; and he was sure he would have been able too.

"Of how you'd react" Mo answered, honestly. Jonny sighed, it was the answer that had scared him. His words outside of the theatre had come back to haunt him, and in so many ways her. He wasn't sure himself how he would have reacted had she told him back then, but they would have worked something out; a way of working together and he would have been able to help her, to support her. And maybe, just maybe, they would have come together again reunited by their child. It struck him how quickly that dream had come to him, the dream that they could have reunited because of this.

"I wish I could go back" He whispered quietly, and he felt his heart shattering a little in his chest and he thought of how different things could have been; the family he could have had now. Rather than the scared, vulnerable woman sleeping in his bed, the woman who had turned up after months of being missing. The woman he loved.

"You can't change the past Jonny; you of all people should know that" Mo answered him. Jonny's past was still something he was so closed off about and although she knew his story; they had never spoken of it beyond the night when they had talked in to the small hours of the morning despite all of the years they had known each other – the years she had nurtured him.

"It's my fault, Mo" he told her, looking at his friend. His annoyance towards her evaporating; he knew Mo was only doing what she had felt was right and that she would have done the same for him. "If I hadn't of said some things to her, if I hadn't pushed her to do things before she was ready, we might still have been standing strong now" he spoke so softly and Mo frowned. She knew the story from Jac, knew the mistakes they had both made but it seemed that Jonny only knew part of the story; even now.

"You weren't to know then though, we all make mistakes" she wished that she had tried to convince Jac, or somehow managed to trick her in to telling him. She had tried, the jokey picture which she'd left lying around, the comments she'd made when they were both present but the bait had never been taken. But if she'd tried harder then Jac wouldn't have left and Jonny wouldn't still be nursing a broken heart. She'd never seen him hit so hard by the breakdown of a relationship, nor had it ever taken him this long to get over a woman – so she knew Jac was more than just a little bit special to him. In fact based on the way Jac disappeared and the fear she had shown, Mo was convinced that Jac had still very much been in love with Jonny. The way she feared him rejecting her and the baby was proof enough of that.

"I said some stupid, idiotic, hurtful things" he whispered looking down at the floor.

"We both did" Neither Mo or Jonny had heard the bedroom door open and they both turned in surprise to see the heavily pregnant Jac leaning in Jonny's doorway, tears glistening in her eyes and her arms wrapped protectively around her bump.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hopefully this is ok :) and thank you to anyone who is reading / reviewing **

Jonny shot to his feet at the sight of Jac standing there; while Mo felt a little bit dumbstruck at the sight of red haired consultant.

"Hey there sleepyhead" Jonny spoke quietly as she slipped to her side giving her a small smile. In spite of appearing to have had a fairly long sleep, she still didn't look any more rested although he was grateful to see that the pallor of her skin had improved a little. He took hold of her hand and guided her over to where he and Mo had been sitting and watched as she took a place next to Mo, while he returned to his chair.

"I can't believe you're here" Mo whispered, sounding shocked. This was by far one of the strangest days she had faced, and it showed no signs of ending anytime soon – which pained her. Jac turned to her former colleague and friend and gave her a sad smile.

"I needed to be here for Sacha" Jac answered. Closing her eyes for a second. Her dear sweet Sacha, she couldn't imagine how it felt to be him, to have lost his little one and yet it was a fear that lived in her heart; that she too would soon be in that position. She had to come back here to see him, to let him know that she cared. That she still thought of him and loved him, that she remembered the day when she had shaved his hair for his daughter and how in the moment she had known that she was going to keep her own baby.

"And then you leave again?" Mo asked, quietly. It was a question that Jonny hadn't even thought to ask, and yet hearing it slip from Mo's mouth he now knew how important it was. If she left, his baby went with her and he wasn't sure she'd allow him to follow. Jac closed her eyes for a second, knowing how hard this answer was going to be for Jonny to hear.

"I have too" She responded softly; rubbing her bump tenderly. It wasn't that, that place was home to her. The little rented flat she'd taken on was impersonal and she had made little efforts to improve on it. There were a few things for the baby but little more. But it was the place where everything was arranged, where there were plans and where she hoped things would go smoothly.

"And me?" Jonny asked, finding his voice. He hated the idea of her leaving, when she had only just returned. In his head, whenever he found her it was forever. But in this reality, it seemed he would have her back for only a short time. She turned to look at him with tears in her eyes.

"I don't know" She answered honestly. She didn't know if she'd even stay there, not forever. She had no plans beyond the birth of her child because after that, there were only unknowns and what ifs. Jonny frowned.

"I'm sure you two can work something out" Mo added, not entirely sure whether what she was saying was even possible. Jonny had missed out on a lot and she didn't know what Jac had been up to. She could have another partner and started to build up a new life; a life where Jonny – even as the child's biological dad – may not be welcome.

"With me in Holby and Jac in god knows where" Jonny answered bitterly and Jac closed her eyes for a second. Trying to clear things in her mind, she understood his point but she still wasn't convinced he'd want to be involved; not really.

"I'm staying in Dawlish" She said finally, and he raised his eyebrows quizzically as he tried to work out where the hell Dawlish was. It wasn't somewhere that he was familiar with. "It's a little seaside place, lots of swans – black swans - and seagulls but it's ok" she added finally. It wasn't perfect but she'd found herself driving and somehow that was where she'd ended up and there was something quite peaceful about spending time walking to beach or a trip out to the sand-dunes at the Warren.

"Swans and seagulls?!" Mo said with a slight laugh. She couldn't quite imagine Jac in a place like that.

"Hmm, best way to describe it really" Jac laughed a little herself. Seagulls seemed to be common place, and were an equal annoyance during her regular trips to the hospital. She was dreading having to spend so many days – potentially weeks – there following the baby's birth because the gulls seemed to be a constant presence.

"And that's better than Holby?" Jonny asked, quietly feeling himself withdrawing a little from the two women. All he could see was Jac slipping away from him again, disappearing like she had done before. He wasn't even sure he trusted her to stay in the place she named.

"It's different to Holby" She responded to him, twirling a strand of hair around her fingers, "I've just made arrangements there, for the baby" she added, thinking that is was perhaps the best explanation and that hopefully it would be one he would be able to accept.

"There's a perfectly good maternity unit in Holby" Jonny retorted quickly, but he felt his mind racing again. Perhaps the arrangements weren't for the birth but for beyond that. Hadn't he once stated that Jac wasn't the type to be a mother, that she wasn't maternal, "or have you found someone there to raise the baby? Is that it you disappear, give birth in some seagull and swan filled place, hand over the child and then return to Holby like nothing's happened?" It seemed to make sense to him, why she hadn't told him about the baby but it didn't account for Mo. She still would have known that Jac had left pregnant, but he was sure it would have been an easy lie for the consultant.

"Is that what you think I'd do or what you want me to do?" She asked, placing a hand protectively over her bump. This was what she had feared from him, that he would want her to get rid of the baby; even without knowing the full story that seemed to be his reaction. She felt the tears building in her eyes at the thought of it.

"What?!" he answered with a question, "You think I have an opinion – you don't appear to have cared about that up until now" he was bitter and anger; the idea that she could potentially have given up his child and he'd never have known of its existence.

"Well you seem to have formulated a nice little theory there" She responded, her voice harsh and steely although he could see the sheen of tears in her eyes, although he wasn't sure if that was just an act. Mo was sitting back on the settee, not entirely sure what to do or say.

"You're the one talking of arrangements" his voice matched hers, in tone and she recoiled a little. She wondered how he could think that of her, and yet she knew she had not exactly presented a maternal image and that she had spoken scornfully of pushing buggies. But that had been in hurt and pain, having seen the imaginary door of motherhood slammed in her face.

"This could be my only chance and you think I'd give that up" she spoke finally and she watched as his expression changed before it settled back on the scorned, angry face he'd worn earlier.

"Worried you won't find another man stupid enough to sleep with you?" He asked and she recoiled away from him further.

"He doesn't know Jac" Mo whispered from where she sat, trying to diffuse the anger a little and feeling that perhaps she shouldn't be here, but worried about what would happen if she were to leave. Jonny turned his head towards Mo.

"Know what? There's more?!" he sounded so annoyed and Jac sighed. He turned back to face her.

"I have endometriosis, so this" she indicated her bump "could be my only chance at motherhood. Those pains that I had were because of that" Jonny blinked rapidly as he tried to process what she was saying. So he had twisted the knife in, following her diagnosis. Things suddenly seemed a lot clearer to him, although it hurt to think she'd push him away at a time when she had needed him.

"And you pushed me away because you thought I'd reject you" Jonny added, knowing that his words completed her sentence although she never would have said them. She nodded, a little sadly.

"I thought I was protecting you, and me" she spoke so softly.

"Wouldn't it have been better to trust me?" he questioned, wondering how he would have reacted. Sure he wanted a family eventually but even that wouldn't have caused him to reject her. He was almost certain of that. He would have been there for her, to support and comfort her – if she'd have let him. But instead she had chosen to face things alone; independent as always.

"I'm not particularly good at trusting" she admitted. It was one of her weaknesses, and it scared her that soon she'd be trusting people with her baby. So much of her life had taught her that the only person you could rely on was yourself; and even then you could cause yourself so much pain. The way she treated Jonny – and the resulting hurt it had caused her - was proof of that.

"You could have at least tried" He was hurt.

"I think I need to let you two talk" Mo said softly, she felt like an intruder and she stood up slowly. She looked at the pair with a firm gaze "If you need anything shout" she said before slipping off to her room where she hoped to sleep of the effects of the day.

"I was so scared Jonny" Jac stated, "I've been scared for so long now, I'm not sure I know how not to be" she whispered the words. A confession of her greatest weakness and the thing she had kept hidden for so long.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hopefully this is ok - and thank you to anyone who has read / reviewed :) **

"You don't need to be scared of me" He told her, shifting forward in his chair so that he was that little bit closer to her. She blinked and rested her hands on her lap, beneath her bump.

"When I was late, you didn't deal with it all that well" she told him "and that day the things you said about me and a potential child" it was her retort, her reason why she should have been scared of him. In reality there were many more but those were not his fault. They were caused by the men who had preceded him, the men who she had loved – the ones she'd tried to trust – and not just those who had been her partners.

"Shock Jac, shock and anger" he told her, gently. His previous actions made him feel guilty in the present. She pressed her lips together, unsure. She knew she had pushed him, forced him in many ways outside of the theatre but perhaps it had also been a test. She had hoped for something different in his response that would have proved something; but she had just pushed so hard.

"and if I had told you I was pregnant in May?" she asked, thinking back to her own reaction. How she'd felt numb, so numb she hadn't even been able to process that inane comment that Mo had made about her bum. She had been numb for days, her mind unable to understand that she carried within her a tiny embryo who would grow in to a child; a child who would make her a mother. It had all seemed so overwhelming – but Mo seemed not to see that. She was insistent about telling Jonny but Jac had put it off; wanting to wait until she knew what she wanted and how she felt. And then she had stood and shaved Sacha's head and they had talked; talked of his daughter and the battle against the cruel disease that she faced and the love that he had for his little girl. And in that moment, Jac had known; known that she couldn't lose her child, her chance. She was scared, scared of destroying the little life with her hardened heart but then she was sure she already loved the child. She had felt it standing there, and already she had given in to the strange urges the child caused her – to eat food combinations bordering on obscene. So she had started to do things for her little life, so perhaps she could be a decent mother – even though so few would believe it off her. But the knowledge that she was keeping her child, brought about more fear. Because if she told him now, and he didn't want the baby it would have destroyed her or if he had made her do something – convinced her to do it. So she didn't tell him. She lived in fear of him finding out, of him discovering her secret.

"I would have been shocked – but I'm sure you were too" He answered finally. It would have been a shock, they were no longer a couple but even if they had been, he was sure it would have taken him a little by surprise. He didn't know what he would have said, but he didn't think he would have done anything stupid. He hoped they would have been able to talk about it, to make decisions together. He would have respected what she wanted to do either way.

"Biggest shock of my life – I thought it would never happen and then suddenly I was pregnant" she smiled a little. Shocked was an understandable emotion.

"But I deserved to have that shock, months ago Jac" he told her, and he reached over to take her hand in his. It was cold and he squeezed it a little in his own, "I could have been there for you, for both of you" he added and she closed her eyes for a second.

"I thought you wouldn't want us" she remembered, she had thought about telling him, weeks later. Weeks after the initial shock had worn off and when she held in her hands a scan photo. It was the second copy she'd had printed, thinking that she would give it to him. As she had watched the flickering blob on the screen, she had felt a twinge of sadness and guilt at the fact that he was missing this. She had wanted him with her, in that moment. So she had a second photo printed, one for him. And then she had, had the phone call that had sent her mind reeling and left her even more terrified.

"Wouldn't want you?" he questioned so quietly. He couldn't imagine not wanting Jac, not really. She was the woman who infiltrated his dreams and his thoughts even when he didn't want her too. Even in the moments where he hated her, he loved her. If she would allow him, he would willingly have spent his entire life with her.

"You know me Jonny – I'm not a good person. I'm broken and damaged. But the baby" she frowned ensure about how to word it. She loved the baby more than words, but other people well, she couldn't account for them, and she couldn't account for him either.

"What about the baby?" he asked, concerned and somewhat ignoring what she had said about herself. Jac frowned.

"To me, she's absolutely perfect but" she spoke so softly, feeling the baby squirm a little inside of her; something that brought a smile to her face.

"She?" Jonny exclaimed a little and Jac realised her slip. She had known the baby was a girl for a long time now but she'd been keeping it quiet. She wasn't really sure why but it just felt like it was their little secret – one between her and her daughter.

"Yes, she" Jac answered. She had feared having a baby girl. Princesses and unicorns and all things pink weren't exactly her forte but as time had passed she had found herself not caring about the gender of her child. All that matter was that she would be ok.

"Hang on, you said but" He hadn't quite realised what she'd said at first, blinded by the fact that his baby was a little girl; a daughter. He could imagine her, a little girl with her mum's looks although with a little bit of him mixed in there; perhaps her mum's hair colour and his curls. He smiled at the thought of this little girl and the fact that right now she was growing inside of Jac.

"I was so scared that if you knew, you'd want me get rid of her" Jac was barely even looking at him, and she had pulled her hands from his grasp. Instead she was running them over the mound of her abdomen and remembering how scared she had been; of the diagnosis, of how he'd react.

"You're not making much sense Jac" he whispered hoping to draw her back to him, but she seemed lost in her own thoughts. Did she think he wouldn't value of daughter over a son? That didn't make much sense to him and the way she had said to her the baby was perfect but implied there was something wrong.

"I left because I couldn't face that, that you – of all people – might reject her" she whispered. She had been so scared when she'd heard the result; of how she would cope. It had taken days for it to sink in, for her to make the decisions she needed to make and to come to accept that things weren't exactly as she had imagined them. She had grieved a little for what she thought she had lost but then she had come to love her daughter again, as she was.

"Jac, talk to me" he tried to rest his hands on hers, but they flitted restlessly over her belly and he couldn't predict the movements she was making.

"I just love her so much" Jac whispered, feeling tears slip down her cheeks "I can't lose her" it scared her, how much she had come to love this being; this little person who wasn't even born yet.

"You won't lose her Jac, no-one's going to take her" he tried to reassure her although he wasn't sure what he was reassuring her about, he was lost against the current of her mind. She paused for a second, her restless hands stopping and she looked up at him, seeing him clearly.

"The hospital is on standby for her, a NNU bed is waiting for her. These are the arrangements made, arrangements for the life of our daughter – because I could lose her. She could be taken from me by an unknown presence" Jac spoke so clearly, but he could hear the pain in her words. Coming to Holby had been the riskiest thing she had done in months, leaving the place where the hospital – and the waiting team who knew them – wasn't such a long journey away. And it was only now she realised just how much that scared her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hopefully this is ok. I've really considered changing this part but decided to leave it - almost - as it was before. Thank you to anyone reading / reviewing :)**

She closed off from him again. Her body slumped back against the sofa. He watched as she wrapped her arms protectively around herself and the way her eyes closed. He couldn't pull his eyes away from her, as her breathing became more even and she slipped in to sleep. But it wasn't a restful sleep. He doubted she'd had a restful night's sleep in months, fearing for the life of her daughter; for their daughter.

It broke his heart. In the space of only a few hours he had found out he was going to be father in a matter of weeks and that, there was something, that meant his daughter may not survive. That in a hospital – in place with seagulls and swans – there were arrangements for the birth and what would happen to the baby following it. And she had been through this on her own.

This broke his heart even more. He should have been there with her, helping her through this. She should have, had to deal with this on her own. Pregnancy, he presumed, was stressful enough without all of this extra stuff she had going on. He had seen it with Mo.

He moved his eyes away from her sleeping form, unable to watch her any longer for fear of what it was going to do to him. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her – around them both – and to protect them from whatever so to come.

His gaze came to rest on her bag which had dumped on the floor, it was open slightly and he caught sight of something that was vaguely familiar to him. He wasn't sure if he should look, but with a shaking hand and quick glance to ensure she was still asleep, he reached in to the bag and pulled out what he thought was her hand held antenatal notes.

He held them in his hands, reading the information on the front. Her details with address of the place to which she had run. He scanned his eyes down over the page, nothing seemed to be amiss although he was not overly familiar with these notes still he couldn't see anything that would immediately alert him to potential issues.

But there was something, as he reached the bottom of the page he saw it. Jonathan Maconie. He was listed as her emergency contact and that made him smile a little. She had thought of him enough to list his name on that page. He couldn't imagine what he would have done if he'd had that phonecall from a midwife in some distant hospital telling him that something had happened to Jac or the baby and that he was needed. He would have been clueless and yet somehow expected to act. But it showed that she wanted him, or perhaps she needed him; that in an emergency it was him that she wanted there.

He felt like a naughty schoolchild, holding this in his hands. They were her notes and they were private and yet he couldn't stop himself from opening them. He hoped they would give him the answers he craved and which she seemed unable to give him – or at least she did right now. He needed to know what was wrong with his daughter.

He scanned the first four pages quickly but they offered him little. They told him only about her and the fact that this was her first child, her first pregnancy. And then he came to the seventh page – the pregnancy assessment. He saw the estimated due date – January 1st 2014 – the day his child was expected to make her arrival in to the world.

He scanned the information until he came to the box at the bottom of the page and the little tick that deemed her high risk and the difficult to read writing that said she was to undergo an amniocentesis. He wondered how difficult it had been for her to come to that decision, how scared she must have been. He knew there was a risk of miscarriage associated with the procedure and he knew she would have agonised over it – this most precious baby and her need to know.

But he knew what she had chosen and he flicked the page, his heart hammering. He could see the date the amnio was performed, she would have had the results only a short time before she had disappeared. He could see the result as well. His daughter had Down syndrome.

It was a shock seeing it there, written in difficult to read writing but somehow it jumped out at him. But he couldn't understand why she had felt the need to run away. It was a shock – and it would have been then – but did she think so little off him as to presume he'd reject her and their daughter for this? Did she think he would blame her? He couldn't quite understand.

And then his eyes slipped upwards, to another box and some more writing. Again it was difficult to decipher but certain words seemed to jump out at him about the baby's heart. Things seen in the anomaly scan that indicated there was something wrong with the baby – rather than simply an extra chromosome.

Had she thought he wouldn't cope? He wasn't sure. So little off what she did and thought made sense to him. He wished she had been open with him, given him a chance but her fear had taken over. The fear that ruled her life had prevented her because somewhere in her mind she had convinced herself it was for the best; that she was protecting herself and her child.

Her mind was a cruel beast. It flourished under her fear, feeding on her insecurities and somehow convincing her that people would always leave her, reject her; that she was worthless and unlovable. That anything good was fleeting and anything bad was her own doing; the result of the blackness that was Jac Naylor.

Had she blamed herself for their daughter conditions? Was that why she tried to protect the baby from him, he couldn't help but wonder; fearing that his rejection was her doing. Or was it the result of his actions; his words. The night the baby was conceived, he'd called a mistake. Or maybe it was an interaction of the two.

He wanted to make things right, to prove himself. But he didn't know how. Everything seemed to be moving too fast, and he was struggling to maintain his grip. If he slipped, he would let her down and prove her right and he would lose them forever. But holding on when his mind was racing out of control seemed near impossible.

He thought of Sacha; of man who in a few hours would be burying his daughter. A child who should have had a life of events still ahead – GCSE exams and college, university life and a graduation, marriage and a family. She should have had a whole life ahead of her, and yet she didn't. Tomorrow, he would support his colleague as they carried a too small coffin in to a church. There was too be no black. No black for the vibrant young girl – only colour.

He tried to place himself in Sacha's shoes; to have a child and to face losing her, to have to stay strong for her. The reality was, he was already in those shoes. Only his child was barely even known to him, and still he faced the uncertainty of losing her, of carrying her in to the church.

His daughter, who should have had a future – only he wasn't sure of the future she would have. She would go to school he was sure and they would love her. Perhaps she would go to college and she would get a job and he was sure she would be happy and loved. But it wasn't a future he could map out so easily – as Sacha's daughter but that didn't mean she didn't deserve it any less.

It was a different future and as he closed his eyes, he realised how much he wanted to be a part of it. He wanted to see her grow up and to watch as she changed and developed from the baby girl he would cradle in his arms to a young woman, who he hoped he'd watch take her first steps towards independence.

Tomorrow he would stand with Sacha, and he would whisper a farewell to a child he had known only briefly. He would feel tears slip down and his cheeks and he'd whisper a silent prayer that he wouldn't be in this place again, in the father's shoes. He would whisper a plea to the angel child to protect his.

He slipped the notes back in to Jac's bag, and he looked at her sleeping form. Gently he placed his hands on her belly, wondering if the child sensed him there.

"Hello little girl" he whispered. So much of what he felt so still so confused and twisted in his head, but he was certain that he wanted her. That he wanted his daughter – and her mother.


	9. Chapter 9

**My plan for today had been to finish Need You Now but a last minute e-mail pretty much mucked up my writing time so instead I'm posting this as despite having it written up to part 12, I keep forgetting to update (and really need to write the next few bits - as i have the later bits done). Hopefully this is ok and thank you to anyone reading / reviewing. **

The next morning, Jonny and Mo sat together at the table, eating a small breakfast and sipping coffee while Jac continued to nap on the settee. Jonny knew she'd awoken a few times in the night and slipped to the toilet or simply sat for a short time before she had slipped back off to sleep. He didn't think she'd been aware of the fact he'd been watching her.

He'd slept in the chair, and it had left him with a stiff spine but it had been worth it. For the first time in months, he had been near her and he hadn't wanted to leave. His sleep hadn't been peaceful or restful. His mind had taken the time to try to process the events of the previous day and night, it had wrestled with the emotions that battered him and tried to make sense of everything that was going on.

"So is everything ok?" Mo asked finally, they'd been sat in a companionable silence. They didn't need words. But the curiousity had gotten the best of her. She had fallen asleep quickly after laying her head down, so she hadn't heard any more of the conversation between Jac and Jonny.

"It's" he paused "there's so much going on Mo" he said finally. He wasn't even sure he understood everything himself, or at least not Jac's reasoning. He hoped one day she may be able to open up to him and to let him in to that part of her mind but until then he had his theories.

"She's a complicated lady" Mo answered with a slight smile, as she looked over at the sleeping woman. If there was ever a woman of mystery it was Jac Naylor. There was so many layers to her and even when you thought that you knew everything about her, there was still something more. And yet, Mo pondered, the same could also be said of Jonny.

"Hmm she is – but the baby has medical needs" he said finally, knowing there was little point keeping Mo out of the picture. Mo frowned as she contemplated this, and the fact that Jac had obviously been facing this alone. She tried to think back to when Jac had disappeared, they hadn't spoken about any worries she'd had but then Mo should have known that Jac wouldn't open up willingly. She should have noticed. She'd spent so much time with Jac, that she should have seen that something was up, that something was potentially wrong. But then Jac was the master of hiding, of disguising the truth.

"Oh Jonny" Mo whispered, feeling for her friend and the amount of information that he had taken in over the last few hours.

"Jac's terrified she's going to lose her" he found himself looking over at the sleeping form, wondering what was going through her head as she slept. "I've done something stupid Mo" he added, feeling that he needed to admit to his friend his actions the night before.

"Jonny" Mo's tone was low and he recognised the warning. She knew how close he was, that one wrong move and Jac would be gone forever but that equally he had a chance because she was here. He turned back to his friend and frowned a little.

"I read her notes, her handhelds" he said quietly, hoping that Jac wouldn't wake up quite yet "she couldn't seem to say the words, the diagnosis, only that she was scared" he realised though that that was progress for Jac. That she'd been able to admit that she was scared, that she'd said the words to him.

"Oh Jonny" Mo repeated, and she closed her eyes. Trying to think how it would feel to be in Jac's place, to worry about whether she would be able to carry her baby home or whether she would leave the hospital with empty arms. Mo knew that feeling, though she'd also known that the baby was out there; being loved and cared for by his real mum. It didn't take away the knowledge that her arms should have held a baby as she left the hospital.

"That's what all this arrangement stuff is about – only I didn't read the plans or anything" he spoke quickly and he closed his eyes for a second; wondering what exactly it was she'd arranged. He could have looked but he had known it was wrong. "I just needed to know" he whispered and Mo reached across the table and grabbed his hand.

"I know" she whispered in response. It made sense to her, as much as what he had done was wrong; there was so much he'd been kept in the dark about that she could understand his need to know; to feel involved. The pair of them turned as they heard stirring coming from Jac.

"Morning sleeping beauty" Jonny spoke brightly as Jac twisted her body in order to look at them. She'd woken a few times in the night and found herself temporarily confused at being in this strange place but there was something quite comforting about the sight of Jonny and Mo sitting across from each other at the table. They looked like the sort of perfect older (although obviously they didn't look old) couple who had known each other for a lifetime; but equally it didn't work to view them as anything other than friends.

"Hi" she answered, and she smiled at them. She wondered what it would be like to wake up every day in a place like this, knowing you were with someone who cared about you and who wanted you there. She hoped that she would be able to give that feeling to her daughter, though she wished she could feel it for herself.

"You going to join us for some breakfast?" Mo grinned, indicating a third seat which was currently empty; "You and that baby of yours look like you need feeding up" Jac felt a twinge of emotion at the sound of someone showing concern for her. Of course the doctors and the midwives had spoken to her on the importance of eating properly and she had confirmed – in her usual manner – that she already knew this but Mo wasn't just showing professional concern. It was genuine.

"I'll just have some dry toast if you don't mind" Jac responded pulling herself up from the settee – which took her a few attempts – before she made her way, a little unsteadily, towards Jonny and Mo. Jonny shifted and stood, giving Jac a smile.

"You sit and I'll make it" he told her and because it seemed like the easier option she sat down. It was strange letting someone else take care of her and yet it did actually feel quite nice; though she knew it couldn't last. Tomorrow she'd be making her way back to the pokey little flat she'd rented – and awaiting the arrival of her baby.

"So how're you feeling?" Mo asked, taking in the strained look in Jac's face but not wanting to let on about what Jonny had told her. Jac turned to the woman and tried to force a smile on to her face.

"As good as anyone is at this point, I'd guess" she answered, trying to sound positive but knowing she probably failed. Mo smiled, remembering how she'd felt as the due date had loomed closer, bringing ever closer the moment when she had to hand over the baby.

"I remember" Mo said, a little bit fondly but with a hint of sadness and felt herself smile a little bit more naturally. She could remember clearly the heavily pregnant Mo, although the overriding memory was of having her hands practically broken by the labouring registrar and the beautiful baby she had cradled because her junior hadn't been able.

"It's stupid but I don't want it to be over" Jac whispered, looking down at her hands. As long as she was pregnant, she knew that she could protect her daughter, she was safe within the confines of her womb – or at least the non-clinical side of her mind thought that. Occasionally the clinical side would butt in but for the most part it stayed on the quieter side with matters relating to the baby.

"I know how you feel" Mo answered, her voice soft and sad. Yes the discomfort of the latter stages of pregnancy had been difficult and Mo had wished for them to end but at the same time, she didn't want that point to come. For Jac, the situation was different. The baby at birth would remain hers but there was still that great unknown.

"Do you think about him?" Jac asked, remembering the baby she had held. The beauty of that little boy who she'd held. She had never understood how Mo had been able to carry him, and then to let him go and she understood it even less now.

"Mmm" Mo murmured, considering the question. It was strange, she knew that she missed him. There was an all too familiar ache within her – something had had become a part of her – that every so often panged that little bit harder but she tried not to dwell on it. She knew it was there, but she didn't think of it. It was almost a comfort now, to have it there.

"I couldn't do it" Jac stated, running her hands over her bump and gently using her fingers to feel her daughter's position. It was a force of habit, feeling the way she was lying – they'd been a worry that she was going to be breech and then she'd turned to cephalic and Jac had silently praised her clever little girl for doing so. She had simply wanted to do it in her own time.

"and you don't have to" Mo responded with a smile, "Your baby is yours, but William was never mine" she added softly. And Jac nodded, but even though her daughter was most definitely hers, it still didn't mean that she was here to stay.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hopefully this is ok :) **

"I need a change of clothes" Jac said softly as she watched Mo and Jonny getting their things ready to go out. She'd agreed while eating her dry toast that it seemed wise to go to the funeral with them but it had suddenly struck her that she'd slept in the clothes she was wearing and as a result they weren't exactly suitable. In some ways she was glad that Mo had offered to sit with her, as it turned out Jonny was one of the pall bearers, as it at least meant there would be someone with her, to help her to deflect the comments that were bound to come her way. She had known it all along, that coming back would lead to suspicious eyes and barbed comments but she had pushed that away hoping to support her old friend. Now she realised that things would have been very different to her imaginings – she wouldn't have been able to avoid Jonny for he would have been there alongside Mo. She had never expected him to become friends with Sacha but it appeared that many things had changed in her absence and that many people had come together to support the loveable doctor and his daughter. She wondered, briefly, if she had stayed in Holby and her own daughter's plight had been known if she would have experienced the same – given her own personality was nowhere near as affable as Sacha. She probably would have pushed them away – not welcoming the perceived pity or sympathy.

"We'll stop by wherever you're staying" Jonny answered, as he checked himself in the mirror making sure that everything was as it should be. Even his hair, for once, seemed to be under control. He turned to Jac and smiled as Mo came to a halt by his side.

"I think we're ready" she said quietly, knowing that this day never should have come. Jonny nodded and Jac sighed, pulling herself up and grabbing her bag from the floor. She groaned a little in discomfort but as she righted herself she gave a small smile to show that she was alright.

The three of them made their way out to Jonny's car and Jac settled herself in the backseat with Mo and Jonny in the front.

"Please drive carefully Jonny" Jac muttered as he pulled away and started along the road that yesterday had caused Jac to feel so ill. He was determined not to have a repeat of the experience and so he did as she had asked, and drove quite slowly which drew some rather annoyed beeping from vehicles which had the misfortune to get behind him. He did, however, think he'd learnt some new road rages insults.

"I don't think I've ever known you to drive so slowly" Mo said with a laugh as yet another car overtook them, this one being driven by a much older lady whose glare had caused Mo to dissolve in to a temporary fit of laughter.

"Ah but that was the young Jonny – this is the daddy Jonny" he answered, although he still wasn't convinced that he would be allowed a role in his daughter's life. Jac laughed a little from the backseat.

"It's more like granddad Jonny driving" she said with a smile, and it was good to hear her sounding brighter. She couldn't remember the last time she had joked properly, the last time she had felt, even for a moment, properly relaxed, "But thank you" she added, knowing that it was for her benefit.

"Granddad Mac – I like that" Mo grinned "How you doing there Grampa, able to see the road signs clear enough or do you need your specs?" she added, enjoying being able to tease him. Jonny in response flicked his middle finger in Mo's direction. "Don't you go teaching your baby that sort of thing Jonny-Mac"

As he pulled up to the place where Jac was staying, Jonny frowned. The amusement and fun of the previous moments slipping away. This didn't seem like the sort of place she normally would have picked and when he looked at Mo, he knew that the same thought was running through her head. But both knew it wasn't the time to question her.

"I'll come up with you" Jonny told her, and Jac didn't protest instead she got out of the car and walked alongside him. He had slowed his gait to match hers and she smiled. He seemed to be slipping back in to synch with her.

She led him towards the lift and he was glad this place had one. Seeing how the stairs at Mo's had pained her, he didn't really want a repeat of the experience here. Instead they stepped together in to the metal box and Jac found herself leaning against the wall. She closed her eyes for a second before she opened them to see the concerned look on his face.

"You sure you're ok?" he asked, softly.

"Just niggles" she answered "she likes to play with my internal organs" she added with a smile. As the lift came to a halt she stepped out and walked with him to her room. Digging in her bag, she located her slip card and they slipped in to the room.

"You travel light" he stated when he saw the small bag she had bought with her. He was certain that the Jac Naylor he'd known before wouldn't have carried so little with her. She smiled sadly as she looked at the bag before she made her way to the little wardrobe where she hung up her outfit.

"I didn't have much to bring" was her response as she pulled out the outfit. In truth when she'd disappeared from Holby, she had taken very little with her and she had accumulated very little in her time away; other than the little things that she had purchased for her daughter and the items of clothing that she'd had to buy due to her expanding girth. Her flat, here, was still hers but she hadn't been able to face going back there and so she'd ended up here.

"Oh" it was all he could think to say. And he watched her as she laid the outfit out and scrutinised it before she sighed and looked up at him.

"Turn around Jonny" she commanded him, and he realised that she didn't want him to watch her change. She sighed as he turned, he had seen her naked so many times that it felt strange that she now made him look away. He could hear her moving about, and hoping that she wasn't looking in his direction he turned back, seeing her rounded stomach properly for the first time. She had paused, for a moment rubbing at a single point on her abdomen and a smile on her face.

"You ok?" he asked, though from her face, he could tell there was nothing wrong. She startled, realising that he had turned back to look at her but she didn't turn her back to him, instead she moved so that she was facing him and with her free hand she beckoned him towards her. Hesitantly he stepped forward, and when he was close enough she grabbed at his hand and placed it on her bare skin and beneath it he felt their daughter kicking.

"She's quite the kicker" Jac told him with a grin "though she isn't half bad at boxing either" Jonny was mesmerised by the feeling of his daughter moving beneath his hand. Her movements felt so strong that it felt strange to think that there could be anything wrong with her.

"She's really in there" he stated a little bit breathlessly and Jac laughed. His expression was something quite amazing, the wonder in his eyes and something more; something she couldn't name but she was certain that it wasn't bad.

"Oh she most definitely is" Jac confirmed, watching his expression change as their daughter once again kicked out against his hand. "I hate to break this up but I do have to put my top on. It's going to be enough of a show me turning up without being topless as well" she said finally, thinking for a moment that actually she didn't want him to pull away from her. He removed his hand away from her, wishing that the moment didn't have to end and he watched as she pulled her top over her head.

"Your beautiful did you know that?" he asked her, as she stood trying to scrutinise herself in the mirror, she turned to look at him.

"you're one heck of a liar Maconie" she told him "Look at me, I'm fat, covered in stretch marks, my skins shining" she started to list the faults she saw in herself, an ever growing list; and one she had started long before pregnancy had started to change her body.

"Learn to accept a compliment" he answered "and besides you are a very beautiful lady – pregnant or not"


	11. Chapter 11

**I'll be honest in that I don't totally like this part – but writing things like this is a real weakness of mine and for that I am sorry. Hopefully it is ok (though I doubt it)**

Jac felt her stomach twist as she sat in a pew next to Mo. She was trying to keep herself as hidden as possible but was failing. Someone had obviously spotted her, and it had started a whisper around the church amongst those she had worked with. She could feel their eyes searching her out and the way they nudged each other when they finally spotted her. So now she had given in with the hiding method and instead she tried to sit strong and tall, to show them that she was still Jac Naylor.

"Don't pay any attention" Mo whispered, sensing Jac's anxiety at the attention she was receiving. They had tried to slip in quietly, which wasn't easiest given that Mo knew pretty much everyone who worked at the hospital and Jac was a familiar face – and the source of a fair amount of gossip over the last few months.

"I'm trying" Jac whispered in response. Her stress levels had been rising out of control almost from the moment she'd settled back in the car. The fear that she shouldn't have come, that her presence wouldn't be welcome but all the while knowing that she needed to be here to support her friend. She knew that if she had needed him, he would have come regardless and she owed him the same.

The two of them sat together, waiting, as people filtered past them filling the remaining pews. There were faces that were familiar to Jac, people she had worked with and many that weren't. Some were teenagers who she presumed had been friends of Rachael and others she guessed to be the child's family. She had only briefly caught sight of Sacha and her heart had broken at the sight of him. She felt another twist in her abdomen, and she whispered a silent reassurance to her daughter, knowing that her own agitation was affecting the little life within.

"You ok Jac?" Mo asked quietly, and Jac realised she must have moaned slightly. Jac rested a hand against her abdomen and turned to look at Mo.

"She's playing with my bladder" Jac whispered, hoping that it would be enough to content Mo. She could have whispered about how she was feeling, but she didn't feel comfortable doing so, not with so many alert ears around her. It was just easier to say this.

"Sneaky little devil" Mo answered, with a grin. Jac froze for a second before she realised that it was indeed a joke and that Mo probably didn't even know what Jonny had once nicknamed her potential children. It was stupid, Jac had reasoned long before, that comments such as this were joking but still she could never quite prevent the remembering of that day, when so many things had fallen to pieces.

As the service started, Jac felt the tears welling in her eyes as she watched the men carrying in the coffin. The sight of Jonny twisted her heart and she felt herself squeezing Mo's hand that little bit tighter. For a moment she saw it not as Rachael's coffin but her daughter's and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut as she tried to force the image from her head. She didn't want to think of her daughter, not while she was sitting here.

She listened to the tributes and readings for the beautiful vibrant young girl. She listened with tears streaming down her cheeks; tears which she felt at a loss to control though from glancing in Mo's direction she could see that she was not the only one having this problem; which given Jac was the one with the additional hormones actually surprised her.

As they stood to sing a song that Rachael had chosen, Jac felt herself sway a little. The mistake of having stood up a little bit too quickly and she felt herself lean on to Mo for support. She felt an arm snake around her waist, holding her upright until her balance was regained, though even then the arm wasn't withdrawn. She listened to the voices around her. She could pick out Jonny's easily and it brought a small smile to her face, to be able to hear him above the others and silently she told her daughter that, that was her daddy singing; and that maybe, if she was lucky, that he would one day sing to her.

Standing there, with Mo's arm gently hold her, she feels the twisting once more. Slightly harsher than before, and she finds herself leaning forward slightly, her body pulling away from its support as she tries to supress the groan that is trying so desperately to escape her throat. When her body releases her, she straightens and tries to flash Mo a watery smile to tell her that all is fine. She runs her fingers in gentle circles over the point where her daughter rests, and tries to send the silent message that all is fine to her baby. Trying to convince herself that this is nothing more than anxiety.

Finally they were seated again, something that came as a relief for Jac. Every part of her seemed to be aching now and she was wishing that she was curled up somewhere. But then she thought of Sacha and of Rachael. She was here for them and because of that she couldn't think of herself and so she tried to ignore the game her daughter was playing. Instead she tried to concentrate on the service that was drawing to a close. She had barely been aware that, that much time had passed. Slowly she stood with the others and watched as Rachael was carried from the church and then she waited until everyone else had filed out before she followed Mo at the back of the crowd.


End file.
